Recently a friend asked me ‘How are you?’ I replied, ‘I need a pause button!’ As I heard myself, I thought back over the previous fortnight. I’d had 5 hospital/clinic appointments with family, I’d taken on a new client at work, I’d submitted a planning application for home, I provided multiple mum’s taxi rides, and I launched this blog! I needed a conversation with myself. (Do you have these?) The conclusion of the discussion with myself was ‘Andrea, this is ridiculous. Something has to change or you are going to be ill!’
I’d heard that busyness can be a trauma response. I got curious. I did some reading on the web. Sure enough, busyness can be a coping mechanism for anxiety or trauma. Danielle Wayne an anxiety therapist calls busyness a bandaid. She says “You might find relief in being busy, but the truth is that staying busy is a trauma response. Your symptoms of PTSD reflect someone who is capable of functioning in the world as long as you remain stimulated. It’s possible that you’re afraid of what will happen when you stop moving.”
I mulled this over for a while. It didn’t resonate with me. I’ve come to a place where I don’t avoid my emotions. I have acknowledged that my son’s recent scary day in A&E has triggered my cPTSD. I’ve reached out for support. So, I’m sure my current busyness is not a trauma reaction. If you think you may be busy as a trauma response I’d encourage you to seek out some therapy.
If my busyness is not associated with trauma, then why do I keep on being so busy?
I come from a family with an incredible work ethic. My mum would cook Christmas dinner and bake loaves of bread at the same time. Visitors would call our house and if there were no biscuits to offer she’d whip up a batch of scones - just like that. My dad did all our home decorating and DIY. He made me his apprentice, and I loved it. I even wallpapered a friend’s bedroom at 13. It was 80s pale blue with white fluffy clouds. I remember it well, I did a good job. As adults, my brothers and I would tease dad that even on holiday we’d be got up early and on the beach before 9. ‘You don’t want to waste the best part of the day’, he’d say. Now, I am certainly not complaining. I am proud of and grateful for my parents. Working hard is a trait I’m glad to have inherited. Using your talents to serve others is lovely. However, rest is also a good thing, I wish I’d seen more of it.
As I write this, I know what I’m modeling for my boys. I guess they also see very little rest. In our culture, we are driven by productivity. Our roles in work are numbers led. We have tick boxes to check and quotas to fulfill. The quantity of what we do usually trumps the quality.
I’ve noticed when we meet new people, we frequently ask, ‘What do you do?’ It’s almost as if we are saying the most important thing about a person is their job title. I have a challenge for myself. When I meet someone new, I’m going to try to remember to ask them something original like: ‘What things do you enjoy?’ or ‘Did you do anything fun last week?’ or ‘Is there a cause you’re passionate about?’ I guess people may think I’m a bit weird. Perhaps they already do.
If we (I) place so much value on what we achieve and produce, what does that mean for someone who is ill or aging and can’t do what they used to? Or someone with a disability who is not able to work. Surely our value must be in our humanity, in our personhood.
Despite believing that all peoples’ value is intrinsic, I keep demanding more work from myself. I don’t seem able to say no or to rest without guilt. This is something I want to change.
I found this quote online:
“Rest is a beautiful interruption in a world that has no pause button.”
– The Nap Ministry
I am definitely up for some more beautiful interruptions. I am planning to increase my rest. I’m going to:
Book a slot for rest when I do my weekly schedule.
Take opportunities to (kindly) say no
Write down any guilt I feel about resting then screw it up and throw it in the bin.
Remember that my little dog Rafi told me it was OK to rest 18 months ago!
If you have any thoughts on rest or busyness, please click the comment button and share them with me. (You can make your comment anonymous). I’d be particularly grateful if you’d share any tips on resting well.