Lighten the load
This week, as it’s children’s mental health week, I’ve chosen to write about freedom from fixing. I hold my hand up to having a fixer-type personality, more about that later. However, as parents, I think all of us can be prone to fixing. When my son struggled with his mental health I was desperate to make him better. In my search for help, I came across the charity Parenting Mental Health and the book ‘Never Let Go’ by Suzanne Alderson. In it, she uses a brilliant analogy. She describes a tendency parents have to want to be a carpenter. We desire (for all the right motives) to build, shape and mend our children. She advises we see ourselves more like a gardener who tends to the environment enabling the child to grow and thrive on their terms. I found this insight so helpful. My son was not in any way like a block of wood! Like a plant, he was living, unique, growing, and changing. If you have a child with poor mental health I highly recommend you join the PMH Facebook community, where you will find brilliant support and advice.
Back to me, I am an ENFJ personality type and am a type 2 on the Enneagram (I’ll put some links to personality types at the end) So it’s hardly surprising I am a fixer. I’m told that people like fixers, as they are compassionate souls who want to help. They are good at seeing another person’s struggles or identifying when someone is in trouble. The problem is their good intentions are dangerous when linked to their self-worth and loveability. It’s not good news for them or anyone when they:
put the need of others above their own
keep on helping even when it has been made clear that their help is not wanted
think they know what’s best
exhaust themselves in taking care of other people’s needs
feel powerless and worthless when they cannot help someone
are distressed by any conflict
I read a thought-provoking quote from Pema Chodron an American nun.
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals.
It made me curious and uncomfortable. Do I see friends and people I help as somehow lesser than me? Do I offer my help from a position of power or authority? I hope not but maybe sometimes yes. I thought back to when I first heard about Suzanne Alderson’s Partnering not Parenting approach. It worried me. I thought ‘surely this isn’t right, he’s just a child and I am the mum’. However, the approach was transformational for me and my son. In his recovery from mental health struggles, we were equals. Stepping down from my position of authority and walking beside him was powerful and healing.
I have realised that I am often exhausted from taking care of other people. I am a self-appointed sherpa. I need to learn to kindly say “I love you and I want the best for you, but I can’t carry all your stuff.”
I thought for interest’s sake I’d run a little poll. Please submit your answer below.
Here’s a link to an Enneagram test and info.
Here’s a link to the 16 personalities test and info